


Angels Fall Like Rain (Love is All of Heaven Away)

by feelssogoodinmyarms



Category: Frühlings Erwachen | Spring Awakening - Frank Wedekind, Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Bi martha bessel, F/F, F/M, Female Character of Color, Femslash, Gen, bi moritz stiefel, dont be mad about martha/melchior it was in the past, ilse has a complicated relationship and has a little bit of anorexia, im love martha, its only mentioned but just beware, jewish moritz stiefel, martha and ernst are my brotp, martha-centric, melchior is a direct representation of my shitty ex boyfriend, trans ilse neumann, you know they best buds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 09:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19720756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelssogoodinmyarms/pseuds/feelssogoodinmyarms
Summary: Martha’s eyes always seem to find Moritz. Whether it’s during some God-awful history lecture or across the cafeteria, she finds herself admiring him whenever given the chance.Ilse’s eyes always seem to find Martha. Martha can feel those sparkling sky-blue eyes on her when she’s taking math notes or laughing at lunch with her friends. She's hardly ever spoken to Ilse but she stares back at her, their eyes lock and they’re suspended for a moment in time. She smiled at Martha and something starts deep in her, moving its way from the pit of her stomach, through her chest and all the way to her fingertips.





	Angels Fall Like Rain (Love is All of Heaven Away)

**Author's Note:**

> Whaddup homies? I wasn't planning to post this but there are some works in the SA tag that are pissing me off. I miss the good old days of Spring Awakening, and what better way to relive the golden days than some good old fashioned Martha? There's like 100 works in her tag and that's a fucking crime. This is heavily based off my life in like September-November of last year. I started it a few days before I got dumped over text, when my ex had left me high and dry, and I had no other way to cope besides self projection on to Martha. The title is from The Ghost in You by The Psychedelic Furs, which you can listen to [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_Nf0jEU_p8). Thanks to Josey and Dany for beta reads and to Dany for letting me use their oc. Also I didn't mean to make Ilse suck in this, she's just dealing with a lot and is trying her best. These kids have flaws and aren't inherently good or bad; but realistic. Idk, don't hate Ilse here.

Martha’s eyes always seem to find Moritz. Whether it’s during some God-awful history lecture or across the cafeteria, she finds herself admiring him whenever given the chance.

Since 10th grade English Martha couldn’t shake the fluttery feeling she got just thinking about him. For poetry assignments Moritz wrote about his anxiety and depression and the whirlwinds of emotion that had driven him to attempt suicide. He’d never read them aloud but he would let her skim them on occasion. The poems scared Martha to death in a way she couldn't express, and her face felt hot and her insides burned with anger and lust, and that’s when the fluttery feelings started. Of course, his dark bedhead and tired eyes that seemed to have galaxies in them helped too. 

Martha knew she had no chance with Moritz; not only did he see her as just a friend, but he had been dating a girl from his synagogue, Elke, for over a year. By the time Elke and Moritz did break up Martha was dating Melchior; one of the dumber decisions she’d made. Luckily, it didn’t last long.

That had been a year ago and almost nothing had happened. Moritz would come to lunch with Martha and her friends almost every day. The two would share earbuds and Martha felt giddy when they would press their cheeks together. Although her friends swore he was flirting with her and looking at her lips whenever they talked, Moritz never asked her out. Martha became disinterested when he stopped coming to lunch as often.

* * *

Ilse’s eyes always seem to find Martha. Martha can feel those sparkling sky-blue eyes on her when she’s taking math notes or laughing at lunch with her friends. She's hardly ever spoken to Ilse but she stares back at her, their eyes lock and they’re suspended for a moment in time. She smiles at Martha and something starts deep in her, moving its way from the pit of her stomach, through her chest and all the way to her fingertips. 

Everything happens so fast that Martha doesn’t have time to tell Ernst or the other girls. She’s scrolling through her instagram Friday night and a stunning close-up painting of a girl with her eyes closed pops up on Martha’s feed. Bruises dot her forehead and eyelids and it takes Martha’s breath away. She recognizes the artist’s style right away and sends a message to Ilse, telling her how beautiful the painting is. Martha nearly throws her phone when Ilse responds _'just like you'_. She feels a big surge of happiness and starts to tear up. They text until three am, and Martha falls asleep smiling. 

* * *

Martha and Ilse hang out every day after school by the bridge that overlooks the lake. Martha hasn’t been here since she was very young but loves the feeling of nostalgia it gives her. They sit on the bridge, their knees touching as they reminisce and talk about their new lives. Light seems to radiate from Ilse as she tells of her new home with the Zirschnitz'. Martha puts her hand out next to her, hoping Ilse will take it. And she does. 

“What do you make of this?” Ilse asks one afternoon, staring at her lap.

“I, uh, like you. I think you like me.” Martha struggles to get the words out, her tongue suddenly feeling like it’s numb. There’s a burning on her ears and in the pit of her stomach. Her thighs went numb and tingly a while ago and she fears she’s going to be sick until Ilse asks,

“What would you think about a kiss?”

Martha can only nod in stunned silence before Ilse smiles and connects their lips. 

It feels like fireworks; Ilse’s mouth is warm and her hands are on Martha’s face. Their surroundings melt away and it’s just Ilse kissing Martha and Martha kissing her back. Everything is warm and beautiful and safe. 

“No homo,” Martha whispers when they break away, making Ilse laugh.

Ilse walks her back to her Auntie’s house and kisses her goodbye at the front door. 

Martha is glad she has her own room so she can remove the blue from her mind in private. 

* * *

Martha’s friends are so happy when she tells them Ilse Neumann is her girlfriend. Ernst even says that he likes her better than anyone she’s dated before. _Of course he does_ , Martha thinks. _Anyone seems like an angel after you’ve been forced to be nice to Melchior Gabor for three months._

She doesn’t tell her Auntie because she doesn’t know how she’ll react. Auntie was already confused after she met Ilse, a girl with a deep voice and a flat chest. She isn’t mean about it but Martha knows her aunt wouldn’t understand. 

The Zirschnitz' are very cool about Ilse and Martha dating. They don’t object when the girls go to Ilse’s room and close the door (not that they would ever have intercourse while others were in the house). They don’t insist on supervising. When Herr Zirschnitz catches Ilse with a hickey on her neck, he gives her advice on how to give them to Martha. Georg teases them profusely, but Ilse always has a comeback that will make him shut up. Martha feels at home with the Zirschnitz'. They’re loving and kind to each other, supportive and wonderful. It almost makes Martha wish she had a brother or sister. 

* * *

Martha tries not to mind when Ilse doesn’t answer her texts or disappears for a few days. She feels like she and Ilse are good for each other; Martha encourages her to eat regularly and offers love and support on the hard days, Ilse helps Martha break out of her shell and encourages her to have fun. Martha knows she can’t change Ilse, but the lack of stability makes her nervous.

She promises herself that she’ll get used to it. 

* * *

On their one month anniversary Ilse doesn’t come to school. Martha shows up in her cutest outfit with a card and a necklace for Ilse and is crestfallen when she doesn't hear from her all day. Ilse doesn’t pick up her phone when Martha calls, which is to be expected. Martha stays up late doing homework that isn’t due for another week. She knows she’s lying to herself as she tries to convince herself that she’s getting ahead, not waiting for Ilse to call. She falls asleep at her desk, her tears making little inky rivers down the page.

Ilse doesn’t come to school the next day either. Lunch on Fridays is reserved for the two of them, but since Ilse isn’t here Martha trudges up the hill to her thinking spot. It’s at the park across the street from school, through the oak trees and over the creek. She comes here when she needs to be alone or is inexplicably sad. Today is both. 

Martha puts her earbuds in and lays in the grass as tears start to fall down her cheeks. This is so stupid and she knows she shouldn’t be crying, but she can’t stop. The wind gently blows over her and she cries harder as it chills her bones, wishing Ilse was here to hold her. 

Martha doesn’t know how long it’s been when she feels a tap on her shoulder. She sits up quickly and her puffy eyes snap open at the touch. 

“Sorry!” a kind, familiar voice stutters. Martha smiles when she realizes who it is. 

“Moritz Stiefel?” Her voice cracks when she says his name from all the crying, but she doesn’t care. 

“Yeah, hi Martha! How’s it going?” He’s smiling too. His hair looks like he’s just rolled out of bed, like always, but his eyes are happy and she can tell he isn't faking this smile. It fills her with a bubbly feeling. 

“It’s been a rough couple of days actually,” she sighs. She wonders if he can tell she’s been crying. “That’s why I’m here, I needed alone time.”

“Oh shit, I can go then.”

“No, I’m better now. You can stay if you want.” He awkwardly plops down next to her, his long legs stretched out in front of him; he’d always been so tall. 

“Why were you out here?” Martha asks him. 

Moritz smiles sheepishly and Martha feels her heart flutter. “Oh God, it’s really stupid.”

“What?”

“Don’t laugh, but I saw some baby ducklings and their mama crossing through the quad. Melchior was talking about keeping them and training them as his army so I wanted to make sure they got back safely. Once I dropped them off at the pond I didn’t feel like going back so I’ve just been hanging out. That’s when I heard you crying.”

Martha can't help but smile. “That’s so cute.”

“You crying?”

“No, you helping ducklings get to a pond and protecting them from Melchior.”

“Well yeah! I couldn’t let him train them to be like, Melchior KGB or something!” Moritz suggested, the outrageous idea brining a goofy smile to his face.

“He’d have them carry around duck-sized copies of _Faust,_ ” Martha laughed, throwing her head back.

“Exactly!”

They both laughed at such a ridiculous thought. Moritz was so cute when he laughed, Martha wished she could see it more. 

“How’s it going with Ilse? You guys are together now, right?” 

Martha feels a weight dropped onto her shoulders when Moritz brings her up. She doesn’t realize the sorrowful look on her face when Moritz mentioned llse. 

“Oh God, is she why you were crying? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to--can I give you a hug?” She nods and melts into his touch. More tears escape her eyes and she holds onto him tighter. Martha feels safe here in Moritz’s arms. The world slows down and she feels like nothing can hurt her. When they finally pull apart Martha has the urge to kiss him. His lips are right there and he looks so cute and his mouth would be so soft. 

“Do you wanna go get ice cream or something? School’s almost over anyway. I’ll buy.” He smiles at her, so sweet and sincere. Martha feels dirty and awful and springs to her feet, quickly gathering her things. 

“I should head home actually, I promised my Auntie I’d help her with dinner.” 

“Oh, could I walk you?” Moritz offers, trying to hide his disappointment. 

“It’s fine, it’s a short walk anyway. Thanks though!” She yells the last part over her shoulder as she speed walks out of the clearing. She doesn’t cry again but feels sick and hates herself more than she has in awhile. Ilse leaves her alone for two days and Martha is already trying to get with someone else? Can’t she be trusted to handle herself for two days? 

Martha tells her Auntie that she doesn’t feel well and goes to bed early. 

* * *

Ilse dumps Martha over text the next day. Ilse says it’s her own fault; she’s dealing with dysphoria and what happened at home and she doesn’t want to project that onto Martha. Martha feels a crushing sadness and a silent relief. She knows Ilse’s trying to spare her feelings but Martha wishes she had told her in person. 

* * *

The next week is hellish. Martha feels like she’s being stabbed when she sees Ilse laughing with her bohemian friends or dozing off in class, the same sparkling blue eyes that gazed at her fondly weeks ago struggling to stay open. One day she sees Ilse walk by her with Hanschen Rilow, so absorbed in the conversation she doesn’t even notice Martha. Then it all clicks; Ilse never noticed Martha. If she did, how could she seem to forget Martha so quickly? She told Martha she loved her and Martha believed her. 

* * *

“I loved her! I still love her so much!” Martha sobs into the cup of hot chocolate she's holding. She had called Ernst in tears from the bathroom and he decided she needed to come over to have a proper cry. 

“I know honey, I know,” Ernst croons, his arm around her sobbing form. 

“I tried so hard! I never complained about the long hiatuses she took from contacting me; I gave her space when she needed it and support when she needed it! Why can’t she just love me?”

“You know she does, sweetie. She just can’t date you right now; none of it is your fault.”

“It was barely a month; how did I fall for her so fast?” 

Martha knew Ernst didn’t know how to respond. She knew she must look so pitiful with despair tainting her features as mascara tears ran down her cheeks. 

“Love sucks. _This_ sucks so much and I’m so sorry.”

Martha caves into Ernst’s touch, sighing softly at the feeling of being embraced by someone you love. 

“I deserved it,” she mumbles after a while. 

“Don’t say that! She’s going through a rough time, none of this was your fault.”

“No, I did something.” Martha’s voice cracks and she tries not to burst into sobs again. She lets go of Ernst so she can look him in the eyes. “The other day, I was with Moritz,” she stops for a moment, wondering if Ernst will know right away and immediately tell her what a cheating cheaterson she was. When he says nothing, Martha continues. “I was with Moritz during lunch on Friday, and it was just us and I remembered how great he is. And his lips were right there and I couldn’t stop looking at them--”

“Wait, back up, you kissed Moritz Stiefel on Friday?” Ernst seems relatively unfazed much to Martha’s relief. 

“No! I just wanted to. I ran out once I realized I did.”

Ernst starts chuckling softly which only confuses Martha more. 

“Why are you laughing?” Martha groans and burries her head in her hands. 

“I’m sorry! That was mean, I just can’t stop imagining Moritz leaning in and you yelling ‘gotta blast’!”

Martha can't help but laugh at that, collapsing into the couch, truly smiling for the first time all day. 

“It’s ridiculous, huh?”

“Just a tad, yeah,” Ernst chuckles. Martha sighs and pulls her knees up to her chest. 

“Hey, it’s okay. This stuff happens but you didn’t cheat, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Martha leaned into Ernst’s chest and he wrapped an arm around her. “Maybe it’s for the best; I told you Moritz was into you,” he teased. 

“Could we not talk about him right now?” Martha doesn't move from Ernst’s shoulder.

“Yeah, sorry. You want to put a movie on?”

Martha smiles. “Do you have popcorn?”

“Extra butter, just like you like it.”

“Ernst, if you ever decide to go straight--”

“You’re the first girl I’ll go to.” 

Martha smiles as Ernst turns to get the popcorn. It only fades slightly as she scrolls through Netflix. She's hurting right now but she knows she is strong enough to get through it. 

**Author's Note:**

> I might continue this? Like maybe more about Martha's relationship with Moritz and Ilse? I mean, I could just continue what happened in my life and that kind of makes a good story. Idk, but I hope you enjoyed!! Comments/kudos make my life!!  
> [spring awakening tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/feelssogoodinmyarms)|[main tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/devious-stare)


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